KAFE News, Madison, Wisconsin –  The wrestling world came to an abrupt stop on Saturday, December 8^th, when the TrackWrestling headquarters were attacked by cete of ornery badgers, delaying some tournaments and forcing some tournament directors to consider archaic methods.

TrackWrestling is relied upon world-wide to run wrestling tournaments via the internet.  It helps tournament directors by keeping track of who should be wrestling next, how much time has elapsed between a wrestler’s matches, team and individual statistics, etc.

Klaatu the Cete-head The Rabbit of Caerbannog

The great cete was led by Klaatu the Cete-head, a particularly nasty varmint, who received a Bachelor of Varmint Decimations (BVDs) at RabbitofCaerbannog.edu. A spokesperson for the Wisconsin State Wildlife Agency said that the initial cete broke into little cetes as it attacked the TrackWrestling building in Wisconsin Rapids, WI, gnawing on wires and keeping staffers at bay who tried to disperse them. “It was the largest cete I have ever seen” said one witness referring to the attack of the cetes. A team of rare martyr badgers, known in badger lore as “Holy Cete,” cleared a path for other badger cetes, sacrificing themselves on the electrical lines feeding the data transmission sources.  A second cete, oblivious to the acrid smell of the burning cete around them, attacked the data lines.  Tournament directors were at a loss nationwide.  “We did not know what to do,” said one.  “Words like ‘paper’, ‘written’ and even ‘pens’ were heard.  Googling those words was even more confusing.  One needs a Rosannabarra Stone or something to decipher them.”

Another unidentified source said that older coaches and spectators put their heads in their hands to try to hide, of all things, laughter.  The younger ones, as well as the wrestlers themselves, did not see the humor.

 “I mean,” one said, “what were the wrestlers and coaches expected to do?  Who puts brackets on a wall?  How does one even get the brackets to stay on a wall?  How can we expect coaches and wrestlers to find out when their matches are when they cannot see it on their phones or have it texted to them.  Kids might as well call someone, which would just make matters worse.”

Below-freezing temperatures as well as a dangerous mercenary cete (commonly called “tough cete”) in front of them prevented TrackWrestling employees from using the most common badger repellent – urine.  Instead, authorities called the Madison, Wisconsin Henry Vilas Zoo, asking for another badger repellent – lion dung.  Zoo employees gathered all of the lion dung they could get their hands on (washing their hands afterward, as instructed by the signs in the restrooms).

About an hour later the dung truck arrived.  When Klaatu saw the truck, he organized his badgers into the biggest cete in Wisconsin history.  But the cete was no match for the dung, which was heated on the way to Wisconsin Rapids so it could be sprayed on the badgers via hoses.  Shortly after the spraying started, the dung-covered cete scampered back into the woods from which it came

TrackWrestling technicians quickly repaired the damaged electrical and data lines, and the wrestling world was able to resume competitions.

It is unknown what prompted the badger cete to hit the TrackWrestling facility.  TrackWrestling might safeguard its facility with an outdoor latrine system, but that does not help assuage fears of the worst-case scenario, according to badger experts.  Defensive measures must be implemented in the event badgers decide to attack an actual tournament site.  Said the Henry Vilas zookeeper, “It is hard to imagine the horror when the cete hits the fans.”